Kids!

I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!

Kids!

Who can understand anything they say?

Kids!

They a disobedient, disrespectful oafs!

Noisy, crazy, dirty, lazy, loafers!

And while we're on the subject:

Kids!

You can talk and talk till your face is blue!

Kids!

But they still do just what they want to do!

Why can't they be like we were,

Perfect in every way?

What's the matter with kids today?

Don’t cry for me, Argentina. I am babysitting for my horrible, spoiled, disrespectful, ungrateful, lying, lazy grandchildren. Yup, I just said that. I have no patience, and my sense of humor is on “off.” I am sick of the mess and doing all the chores. I am sick of getting up at 6 a.m. to get the boys to school. I am sick of the dishes and the laundry and the crap they have left on the toilet. Don’t ask me what’s on their blankets. I am pissed as hell that my daughter keeps throwing away the toilet brushes I buy. Where is my large water mug I brought over? Why can’t I find a channel with Jeopardy?

I love the dog (a Great Dane puppy) but don’t appreciate having to try to walk her with a three year old - - neither of whom have the procedure down yet. One pulls one way, the other pulls the opposite way. Both of them sit down and refuse to move whenever they feel like. Not at the same time. My back feels like I’ve been on the rack. One of the boys told me that there’s no need for him to pick up the dog poop in the back yard, because eventually “it will decompose.” I’d like to decompose his butt.

Yesterday, I listened for ten minutes to the dialogue on a game the 10 and 12 year old had downloaded on their Playstation called “Grand Theft Auto 5.” I have never heard such horrible language, and I worked all my adult life with lawyers and criminals (or is that redundant?) . Despite the fact that I turned it off, they snuck it back on after I went to bed (admittedly at 8:30 - - sigh). There was a midnight feeding frenzy in the kitchen, and enough food was spilled on the floor to attract an ant hill of mythic proportions. I wandered out in the kitchen before dawn without shoes and discovered the crumbs and feasting insects with my cold, bare toes. Oh, and there are lots of crickets here, just to make it extra crunchy.

This morning the gaming controls are (oops!) missing. I have shut every door in the house to keep the dog from chewing books, shoes, toys, Barbie clothes, Legos, and Star Wars paraphernalia. When I put her outside, she HURLS herself at the glass door when she wants back in. Did I say she weighs 90 pounds already.

Today is trash and recycle day. I rolled two trash cans, and carted six recycle bins, to the curb (and back). I have swept and vacuumed. There are enough dishes to run the dishwasher twice a day and the washing machine never stops. I’m supposed to harvest the remaining pears and apples from the backyard orchard, and bake up something tasty for later tonight. How long does it take pears to ferment into something drinkable?

Currently, the three year old is coloring - - in the vintage Dr. Suess books I so lovingly saved all these years. She is wearing a fifty dollar party dress, that has grape jelly on the skirt. There is Nutella in her hair. I don’t care. She is quiet and out of trouble for the moment. Earlier, she put seventeen colors of eye shadow on while I was taking a shower. A crayon got in this morning’s wash, and quite a few of my shirts (yes, I was doing my own laundry) have large red and orange spots on them. Thank gawd it wasn’t my son-in-law’s Hawaiian shirt. It's silk.

Early today my daughter called to see how I was doing? “When are you coming home?" I implored.

Amazon just sent me an e-mail saying my copy of “Final Exit” had just shipped. Unfortunately, they sent it to the wrong address. Bummer.

I guess my grandchildren didn’t turn out to be the darling blessings yours did. So, go ahead and brag.

Santa Nana

OMG! What’s the dog chewing on? It’s the ant trap I put down on the kitchen floor. Now I’ve poisoned the family pet!

Santa Nana’s helpful hint for the week. Just say no. To everything.